Everything hit me so fast. I experienced Postpartum before my child was born. I had no clue what was going on with me. I was scared for my life. I was scared to sleep alone. At night I would stay in my bed scared to even move my feet. What if someone comes and and harms me or my child? Who will protect us? Unfortunately I did experience infidelity during my pregnancy and relationship; which made matters worse!
I blamed him for everything. I blamed him for my trauma, pain, OCD, depression, panic disorder, and obsessiveness. I figured since I loved this dude so much he had to be the reason for all of this crap I was feeling. I love him deeper than I’ve loved anyone. Still, I stayed upset. Constantly yelling and picking fights about what he use to do. Although he has been on his best behavior for the last year and trying to help me forget the past, I still manage to hold some things over his head. Now, when he is trying to prove his loyalty to me all I can think about is how many times he left me alone with our baby to cry myself to sleep.
After I had my son I developed a serious case of OCD. I held the same negative thoughts in my head day by day, minute by minute, and second by second. I had flashbacks of him coming home late. Flashbacks of status’ being made about me because I became the baby momma of a ex-player. By player I mean pimp. I held on to the nights I searched for him through my mind, careless and with no transportation.
I didn’t feel good enough, I wasn’t comfortable with myself. Is that why he’s always leaving me here alone? I was facing this huge demon by the name of Postpartum Depression and I had no clue. I finally accepted my depression when my son was about six months. I’m just now willing to get professional help and it’s been a year. 25% of women experience PPD still, even after a year. Without treatment or help, Postpartum Depression (PPD) can easily result into chronic depression over time.
As much as we still wanted to be together we couldn’t get passed the emotional let downs we continuously put each other through. I read that if a mother experiences PPD there’s a 25-50% of her passing it along to the father. That’s exactly what happen. He was so focused on me and how to make me feel better. Nothing he did could satisfy me. I had already became angry, bitter, and distasteful. I was the definition of a bitch, I guess. After being cheated on and played my entire pregnancy why wouldn’t I be?
Old nightmares, sensitivity, and fear I stored in my heart for months. I had a nightmare the other night of him sleeping around. I have a right to not trust him but after our agreement of “Let’s leave the past in the past and move on” I feel as though I could try harder in trying to forget; but somehow That’s all I remember is the pain. The only way to forget the past is to cloud our memories with nothing but positivity.
So here we are. I’m writing this book and our son turns one this month! I’m excited to see how we grow as parents. Im proud of us for teaching each other how to overcome in the most difficult times and understanding that we will always have a friendship for our little man. We brought him in together and if the lord bless we will raise him together. Pray for my family, because there is hope. You have to be willing to overcome. I could have made this entire book about me, but the truth is; I didn’t want to be alone.
Two nights ago, I talked to God. We had a heart to heart. He laid everything down, almost like a business plan. Explaining step by step actions I needed to take in order for him to send me my blessing. Only he said he wouldn’t send it just like that. He proposed that he would put me in a position to go work for it.
Going through PPD (Postpartum Depression), helped me inherit true gratefulness. I always knew the meaning of being grateful. No matter how many times I confessed my gratefulness to my family, deep down I really wasn’t I knew because I complained about everything.
Postpartum is a thief in the night, hell; even in the day. It steals everything beautiful about a woman. PPD took away my gratitude, joy, self-love, and a small piece of my mind. I begin to ask myself, Do you even want to be you again? Growing immune to the mixed emotions, carelessness, and memory loss. Being uncomfortable was the new comfort zone. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, I felt myself slowly giving up. Even after making a pact with myself that I would never return to that feeling. I did more than once.
After having my first child and developing PPD even before delivery, giving up became easy, crying became an annoying habit. Although I faced trials that pushed me into a deeper depression I felt as if I should make it at anytime. Often times, I defeated myself. Not only from actions, but my thoughts as well. I put myself down as well as my child’s father. My words like daggers to my mind and his heart.
Some nights I prayed, other nights I didn’t until I asked God to show me the signs. I barely asked him for forgiveness of my sins, but I made plenty of requests. One night I asked God what task he had for me, and within hours he slapped a fat assignment on my student desk. Sitting criss cross applesauce outside in the middle of my sisters apartments, at three in the morning; he gave me all the answers.
My God, told me that if you followed his teachings and learn from my mistakes then he would bless me by placing me in a position to follow my dreams. That night May 25th, I agreed to complete God’s request with my life. With the understanding that I will still make mistakes along the way, I’m not perfect. But one thing for sure and two things for certain, I will make my God proud of me.
This is for the Warrior Moms who constantly give up; on family, goals, love, and yourself. I am here to give you a hand, hopefully to pull you out of a pool of uncertainty. I’m here to let you know our father hears our cries. When we weep, he can feel it in his feet. No one in the world is going to know how you feel or can relate to your specific situation. Listen, it’s not everyone’s job to care about you. It’s your job to care about you.
Even though we yearn for anybody to notice our heartache, it’s not their obligation to look after your feelings. You have to take care of yourself. You are right about not being able to do it alone. In this anthology you will find a friend, soulful advice on getting back to you, how to mend your family after PPD damage, and how to become the best mother to your child(ren). I hope you feel my journey and answer your wake up call!
Assignment #1 : Talk to me. Let me be your getaway