Gotta Live

He assumed I was fucking wit a hoova nigga.
But for once in my life 
I have the opportunity to Converse with a king.
he never worried bout how I’m getting diapers and wipes, he just care about one thing.
who beating that pussy up at night?
but to fight for visiting your child? 
There is no fight. Shit.  
Do you even give a fuck; if my baby dead or alive.
hell nah, all I see you do is fuck dirty bitches, smoke weed & then have the audacity go live.
so much hate in my heart
I don’t even wanna live
so many people done took from me
I literally don’t have a damn thing to give.
my family look at me strange.
“Damn she wanna die!”
“Who caused her to cry!”
I’m standing in the kitchen with the revolver to my pain.
son stuck to the floor looking up at me
no movements, more like a stain
I whisper is in his ear
“Not even you can numb this pain.”
His eyes watering up
not realizing this prince was my rain
if babies could talk fluently
he’d ask me , “Ma what tf you doing with that thang!”
but he know what guns do
I got enough ammo to kill you , you, and you.
Sadly this ain’t my first round 
Of misplacing my mind and ready to get down. 
I rather just pay the ultimate price
instead of hating you; I hate myself.
instead of bashing you; I criticize myself.
instead of killing you; I’ll kill myself.
instead of spitting on you; I spit on myself.
and if I were in hell I wouldn’t fight to break free.
any bitch that would have a baby by you don’t deserve to be free.
I mean lay down with you; purposely. 
I should known you wasn’t bout it,
when I had a whole apartment for our seed and you didn’t bring home the chedda.
shit I could be mad at you… But honestly.
my dumb ass could chose better. 💯 
“I gotta live tho.”
 – J. Stankin

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